My Spirit Guide to Life

Of all the amazing things Spirit adds to my life, her biggest job is that she is my #1 personal coach. Lazy day in bed? Not with the newest model of the Spirit2000 alarm clock! On those days where I feel like I’m doing nothing with my life, Spirit is my constant. If I’m stuck, I always go back to our routine. While I have worked on my own self-concept that I don’t feel like I’m doing it for her more than myself, there is still that level of accountability. Even on my sickest days, Spirit still needs a walk. What I love most about her is how high energy she is. It’s never a simple slow walk around the block. With Spirit I have worked up to running ultra marathons, hiked thousands of kilometers, and biked through the city. She has been the best training buddy. No matter the time of day or the weather, no matter the uncertainty of life, one answer remains certain: Does Spirit Want to Go for a Walk? Yes!

Countless walks with this perfect view.

Lately I have been feeling that frozen feeling. I want to be strong, but I would be lying if I said last year did not change me. Something about being cancelled, ostracized, and systemically excluded will do that to a person. I know that you cannot let your emotions be an excuse, at the end of the day this is my life, but when you attack a person’s self concept, when you take away their confidence and self-esteem, you seriously injure their productive capacity. While these wounds don’t show the way an amputation would, they are nonetheless real. 

              Last year really hurt. I don’t know why I so often end up in these toxic dynamics. Either having friends that put me down, shame me, and laugh at me. Or having friends that inevitably drop me without telling me – if someone just told me what I was doing wrong, I could fix it. I know I am weird; I wish I was not. I have tried my best to fit in. People say, ‘just be yourself!’ Maybe sometimes that is true, but at least in the moment, there are a few serious repercussions to that sentence. For one, how people perceive you is a major factor in whether you secure that job, get a second date, or sell your pitch. When you truly cannot stop doing the things that turn people off you, its not a cute situation. It leads to real harm. How much of myself can I change? I wonder if I do need to love myself for exactly the way I am, if its true that I am not inherently a problem but truly do have innate qualities that will make the world a better place.

              One thing about life with Spirit is that we draw attention. Everyone recognizes us, even

Can we just let her be a fashion Queen?

commenting on having seen me around campus and following my progress over the course of several years. Sure, I could say that is a one off – but its not. I have no idea just how many people are watching me, that I would never even notice. How many people that know my name, my drama, have seen my mistakes, have seen my wins. How many people see me on the street every day, who remember me, who I will never even meet? It can be exhausting and feels like such a privilege when just walking around campus leads to hundreds of micro interactions. I find it is much better when Spirit is dressed in trendy fashion, instead of a sign of weakness, she becomes a symbol of my confidence and eccentricity. Who brings their dog across the country and into every class? How many people wish they could? Well, I did it. This is a reason why personally; I am against vest mandates. Truthfully, it does not change the fact there is a dog in the building because it has a vest with a label on it. That label of service dog changes the way people respond to you. When Spirit wears a rainbow sweater, people stop me to tell me how cute she is and if they can say hello. I almost always respond with a confident smile and let them. This puts me in a position where the interaction is cognitively even. The other person is simply excited, and I can participate in the interaction as just the awesome girl with the dog. When she is in her red vest, first she looks kind of mean and scary. DO NOT PET, is an antisocial sentiment. I got Spirit for my mental health, the entire point of her is to support me in becoming a pro-social capable individual.  Second, the vest that says service dog changes the way people speak to me. They use that voice that implies I have a developmental disability. The questions become invasive, personal, and disarming. Often the questions encourage me to discuss my most vulnerable memories or disclose my most shameful areas of my life.

              I often wonder why I chose this path. If I could go back to 2016, would I have done anything differently? I honestly don’t know. First, I don’t know how much I truly had control over. Second, if I become the person I think I am, if I am successful in the things I want to do, my journey with Spirit has been integral to who I am today. I don’t know who I would have become if I had chosen differently, or if I would have liked that person better.  

              Then I think about all the amazing things. The snuggles every morning. Being the people

If only I could freeze these moments in time.

who brighten up a room just by entering it.  Always being a kind and safe space for others to come home to. The little moments in the hallways, comforting a crying student, helping someone overcome a fear, putting a smile on peoples faces just by existing – it’s a powerful feeling. Imagine, having the power to make the world a little brighter just because of the choices you make. I do believe we can build a brighter, kinder, more caring world. Of course everything has a cost, and in this scenario, I believe the cost is letting go of our past beliefs. In the short term, letting go of past limiting beliefs can seem scary. We have to admit we may have been wrong, that we are imperfect, and that the world is more complex than we know. We have to let go of the safety and security that comes with believing we are right. We have to open up a new way of thinking and all the terrifying realizations that come with that. The rewards are a world with less fear, more collaboration, and more love.  Spirit has helped me understand the true complexity of being different. We are disruptors, and we don’t have to do anything to do it.  So how are you going to change your world today? This is your life, and only you can live it for you.

With Love,

-          Julia and Spirit