Our Spirit is Never Broken

Original Entry: 08-29-2024. Edited: 03-02-2025. Spirit gets sick, feeling ashamed, reflection. Blog Entry 2.

As some of you may already know, Spirit and I recently attempted to do a 500km backpacking trip of the East Coast Trail. And as some of you may know – we failed.

While Spirit has been an avid adventurer for many years — and in many

Spirit having a Blast on Kilometer 75.

regards is in better shape than I am — adventuring with dogs always requires extra planning. For the first 120km, she was doing just fine as she has been acclimated to exercising outdoors in the summer for several seasons. The last 30km of our trip were hard on her. I had to make the call to get picked up from a trailhead by our friend Mitch. That was on August 26th — today is August 29th.

Reflection matters. When we got home from the hike, we took a day. The first step was first aid — making sure we were eating and drinking, keeping her paws clean and making sure I was emotionally sound. Then, we crashed. Life is exhausting. We were hurt. We were tired. We could not move on to the next phase nor plan anything new, until we had both rested. Life is like that, when you complete one stage, you must give yourself time to rest before the next.

At first, I was beating myself up — for pushing her too hard, for not calling it earlier, for being stuck in my own ego and desire to perform. I got my partner hurt. Of course, when I got her home, I kept her rested. She got treated as a princess. Several times a day I made her a warm bowl of soup, which she would eat as I sat beside her, telling her about all the things I love about her in sweet tones.

After a few days, she was crying at me to bring her outside, leading me through her favorite parks. We would sit in the sunshine together as Spirit sniffed each blade of grass and I looked at her so relieved she hadn't gotten sicker. I would let the soft summer breeze mess with my curls, in this moment so harmless. A reminder that the elements control us. A gentle breeze can also be a freezing wind. The warm sun can be burn you when you are vulnerable and exposed.

I still felt so selfish for not having protected her from getting sick in the first place. I blamed myself for not choosing her gear better, not pacing us, not tracking either of our nutrition and more. I felt so awful. We all want to be good — good pet owners, good lovers, good parents, good people — but sometimes we fail.

I felt that I had failed Spirit. She would protect me in every case, yet in my inattentiveness, I had forgotten that we are not indestructible. Spirit's impermanence - our impermanence - cut through me. We are mortal, fallible, bound by the laws of time and space.

Our first backpacking trip together. How could one failure negate our countless wins?

A small, angry voice inside me said something like, If I didn’t bring her, I could have completed this successfully. For that, I felt even more ashamed. How could I say I love her, and that she is my best friend, and then think of a world where I would be better off without her? For a moment I sat with that. Nights out clubbing forgone, vacations planned around her, job interviews failed, friendships and dates where she impacted the way these people spoke to me...

What kind of attitude is that — not one of a person who respects themselves. Spirit and I are a team. We tried our best. Whether we complete a mission or not, we do it together. So why was this voice asking what if... what if she was the thing holding me back... I cried hard. Spirit licked away my tears, I held onto her tight. I don't want to let her go. I want her here with me.

I want to be a good person and for all these thoughts, I was so upset. I felt not good enough because I was responsible for Spirit’s pain. I felt not good enough because we didn’t complete the mission. I felt not good enough because I started trying to find an escape from my disappointment by imagining different realities where I didn’t make a single mistake — where my life was perfect.

That’s not a fair way to go about life.

No matter how hard we try to be good, we are going to make mistakes. We can sit around thinking of all the what ifs, but we have no way of proving that another reality would even be better. Maybe for you it’s a reactive dog, or a child with severe mental illness, or a failed relationship — If only I hadn’t gotten angry, if only I had socialized the dog better, if only I had been kinder.

You can apologize, you can move forward, but you can never change what already is. After a few days, I took time to reflect on our past year. I looked at all the images of our amazing memories. I remembered the days that were challenging, and the ones that were flawless. I wrote down the lessons learned and some new goals. 

I did push Spirit too hard, and that was wrong of me. I should have ended the hike sooner for her sake. I did have some selfish thoughts based in ego and poor sportsmanship. But reflection isn’t the same as punishment. Spirit is still alive, and I have faith that she can complete this journey if we take the lessons learned and do better next time.

Our failures did not end the world — but when I reflected, I realized all the areas where I did not treat myself or Spirit in a way that reflects my own self-respect, integrity, and self-mastery. Every day is a new chance. If you’re reading this, it means you’re still alive — which means you get another chance too.

Forgive yourself. Take the lessons you’ve learned and apply them. For me, it means doing fewer kilometers, making Spirit slow down, resting through the hottest part of the day, and taking more food breaks to keep us both fueled. For the reactive dog, you still have a chance to socialize them — even if the entire journey feels scary and difficult, it only gets better by trying and pushing yourself past your comfort zone (of course, prioritizing safety for everyone involved).

If it’s relationships, you have the chance to try and repair them or forge new ones. If it’s a mentally ill child, you can become trauma-informed and learn how to show up for them and yourself in a way that will cultivate a more sustainable and successful future. Things may never be perfectly how you want them, but you can choose how you will show up to face those challenges.

Another lesson learned from this failure is that there are so many different sorts of wonderful lives we can live. When I was in recovery, Spirit was my

One of Spirit's first walks, 7 years ago. We have had so many wins and even more mistakes. Does doing it imperfectly mean we never should have tried?

mission. She was — and is — my dream. While I’ve started working on other dreams like hiking through the world, climbing giant mountains, and pushing myself to new limits, that doesn’t mean Spirit was ever less of a dream.

So maybe the Pacific Crest Trail isn’t possible right now. I can focus on dog training, becoming an influencer, working on humanitarian projects, and fitness goals that don’t jeopardize Spirit’s safety. Purpose isn’t a single thing — it’s a way of living.

When I first started my dog training business, Spirited Canines, I thought I had found my purpose. When something just didn't feel right, it was not that Spirited Canines stopped being my purpose. When I finally closed my business to go back to school, I did not lose my vision. Rather, I discovered it in being myself, being kind, interacting with the world, and working on my creative visions, that I truly feel in touch with life.

 It is showing up each day with a light hearted optimism which is my purpose - training dogs, training for a sport, getting an education. These are just the physical ways in which I express the core of who I am. Only you get to decide what brings meaning to your life. Only you get to decide the physical way of how you will share your purpose with the world.

 This one failure cannot erase the countless cherished memories I’ve made with Spirit — the fears we’ve overcome together, the days of playing on the beach, our hundreds of walks to the park, friends made, tricks learned, lessons taught. If I sit in self-hate and ignore all those beautiful moments, I do both her and me a huge disservice. I do the world a disservice because I have so much to give, which I can only do through loving who I am first.

 I know a lot of service dog handlers feel this one. After a bad day — maybe your dog barked on duty, someone made a negative comment, or you had an access issue — you start thinking about failing your dog, getting a new one, starting fresh. Sometimes it’s true that a dog (or partner, or career choice) you thought would fit into your life turns out to be completely inappropriate. But sometimes, it’s nothing more than sitting in your own self-hatred — neglecting the countless wins because of a feeling of inadequacy that you so desperately just want to turn off.

 Having a strong social network is so important — especially when you come from a disadvantaged background. Sometimes the supports you have been only from people going through the same challenges, and that’s not enough. Find mentors. Work with professionals if you can. If you can’t afford it, look for community resources, peer support groups, or healthy role models in your field. When you’re burnt out and deep in your feelings, you can only see a narrow image of reality. The right perspective can make all the difference.

As my friend Laura says — Any time you suddenly feel like quitting, take a nap.

 As my therapist from years ago, Gary, says — What you’re experiencing is just a feeling. It’s not reality.

 As my sister once said — When you talk about yourself and Spirit as a failure or a mistake, you’re just being mean to yourself. What you two have accomplished is amazing — do you really want to erase that over a bad day?

When I threaten to quit — on Spirit, on my education, or on the worst days, on my dreams - I’m only running away from myself. If I loved myself, I would love that I am a service dog handler. I would cherish my mistakes. I wouldn’t second guess the last six years of my existence. If I hadn’t failed at my first thru-hike, I wouldn’t have finally committed to sharing my story with the world — with the intention of helping others accept and love themselves.

Kilometer 0: The path ahead promises adventure!

This blog is a piece of my dream which I have been working on for so long. I have so many stories, books, games, technologies, and skills which I want to create for the world, and this blog feels like the first step of a long journey. For all I know, this reality is going to be a thousand times more beautiful than the one where I completed that hike. Maybe I’m meant to be the writing, charity building, community-oriented dog girl — not the no-commitments, no-attachments, wilderness girl.

Maybe there's room for both of those parts of me, and I will see myself free in the wilderness another season. So don’t have regrets. When you start questioning where you are in life, start writing down your 5 happiest memories, and 5 things you are grateful to have. No matter which path you are on, there will be hard days, but that does not negate the good ones. Embrace where you are today, learn from your mistakes, forgive, and let go. This is your life — only you can live it for you.

Holding on tight to each other,

- Julia & Spirit