A New Found Me in Newfoundland

What a journey it has been! I left dog training in 2022 to go to university in St. John's. In that time, I have had all kinds of wonderful experiences. I have cherished these days so much. I have made countless friends here in St. John’s – some truly wonderful people who have become like a second family. I left Toronto in search of myself. I had been in recovery for many years, but I knew that I would be forever stuck in the cycle of trauma if I stayed in the same place I experienced it. It was a difficult decision; I love my family and miss them terribly. It’s not like leaving Toronto was painless. There are babies who I won't get to see grow up and loved ones who I don't get to hug goodnight. It meant losing friends, missing birthdays, and redefining my identity in a strange new place. I left behind my first dog, Copper, and that has been especially challenging for me. He was going to be my service dog but failed the training, though he has always been a huge part of my identity and life.

Dear Copper - I am so grateful for our time together, I miss you each day and can't wait to see you soon. I love you buddy.

While it has only been three years and I have had chances to go back, I have mostly missed out on Coppers golden years. The night I brought him home I held him tight and promised I would never leave him. I promised that I would love him until he passed away in my arms. I know he’s a dog, but he was my best friend. We spent countless hours training, running, and biking together. He was my first major project. From obedience to parkour, tracking, scent detection - we even tried and failed at therapy and service work. When I got Copper, I thought he would be my competition dog. We were meant to compete at the national levels together. That's not how life went. I'm still coming to terms with my broken my promise, and in the small moments I still catch myself wishing he was here. Really it was a promise to myself.

Change is scary, but the only way to recovery is to change. For me, my recovery from mental illness started with small changes - going for walks, gratitude journals, changing my self talk and world views. At some point, major recovery took major changes. It was scary to leave behind the perceived safety of where I was. I had to let go of everything that was familiar and embrace a new life. Lots of people go through this process and make it out alive. I remind myself each time I am faced with a scary change that transition is difficult but that's just a part of it. I honor the process and all the big, complex, and messy emotions that come with it.

While I love my solo adventures, its been fun getting to know William and having another human to adventure with!

When the cost of staying where I am is greater than the sacrifices necessary to level up, I know that I have to embrace the fear and trust fall into the universe. Its worked out so far and I am so grateful for the life I am living now. Sure, there are many people who couldn't come with me, but now I have countless amazing memories with people who love me, relate to me, and want to take on the adventure of the lifetime with me. I believe in lasting love, the kind that endures and overcomes the challenges.

While it has its risks, solo backpacking has been one of the ways I've shown myself love and learned to embrace fear and challenge. to prove that to myself by staying dedicated to another living creature through the good and bad times. By leaving Copper behind, I felt like I was betraying my values of dedication and seeing things through to the end. I know that is not fully true. He stayed behind because I do believe it was best for him. The logistics of bringing him to St. John’s would have been huge and involved forcing him into many situations he is very fearful of. I did not want him to be trapped alone in an apartment while Spirit lived a full life, and I did not believe I would be able to provide for him while pursuing an education. Life is difficult. I still carry those values. I have shown endless dedication to loving myself, and that is no small feat.

I know my situation is lucky. Copper is my dog and he is able to live out his days with my family. I can only imagine for all the single mothers, older sibling , and other care takers out there, sometimes that the choice to choose yourself over those who rely on you is a serious one. Copper is not the only one I left behind. I left my sister in a challenging environment, and I left my dad, and other's who I feel a sense of responsibility over. Moving to St. John’s was me choosing myself. Choosing to leave did not mean I was abandoning my values – I still believe in lasting love and I still love Copper – it meant that I recognized that where I was, was not where I was meant to be. I chose to go find my place in this world. I’m starting to feel like St. John’s could be that place.

              I love it here. Not in a superficial way – but truly, madly, and deeply. St. John’s is a charming place to live. The rugged coastline trail that goes around the peninsula offers endless adventures. The city lies in a valley of sorts, surrounded by forested hills on all sides. I am never a far walk from nature. While the winters may seem harsh, they bring their fair share of clear blue skies where you can run in the sunshine reflecting off the pristine white snow. In the fall, the wild berries offer a sweet and colorful treat, backdropped amongst the green and purple mossy forest floor. Even on rainy days, Spirit and I find time to go and splash in the puddles dressed in her froggy raincoat.

When the world gets Stressed, Spirit gets dressed! We often go out in the rain, only for the day to turn into a awesome series of adventures! God love it here.

The spring flowers offer a joyful break from the damp cold, welcoming in a hot summer with a cool salty Atlantic breeze. The people here are colorful too. I love to journey into the many small bars where there is nearly always live music to be found. St. John’s may look unassuming from the outside but make no mistake – the people here have talent! The city hosts a robust entrepreneurial culture of ambitious innovators – young people who love their artwork and want to live a life doing what they love. There are so many talented musicians who have carried the tradition across generations. The people live off the land while still being modern and open to newcomers. Since moving here, I have been offered so many small kindnesses. Here, I have found the space to freely explore myself. I feel I have been given a second chance of life, and I am truly grateful.

              When I left Toronto, I did so with a mission. I promised I would not be back until 2027, and that I would be coming back as a leader, or not at all. I had so many dreams. Closing down my training business, I knew I would eventually come back to training and continue working on those visions, but I had no idea what would happen along the journey. I knew I was interested in healing. I knew I was interested in seeing the world be a kinder place as well as considering a career in conservation sciences.

When I got to St. John’s I tried everything. I explored numerous faculties, tried on every hat, and made as many new friends as I could. I explored the entrepreneurial scenes, politics, engineering, and more – but my heart keeps on coming back to training. I truly believe I was given the gift of communication through empathy, and that I meant to turn that gift into something to share with the world. I have worked diligently on developing my gift while healing myself, and finally I feel ready to take on more responsibility. I know I am complete, and I know I am meant for a beautiful life.

I've made so many friends here who align with who I am, and I am so grateful for the memories we make along the way!

I am learning that closure in life can look much different than expected. Sometimes it comes in the form of self forgiveness, other times in giving back. There have been long stretches where closure looked impossible, but by diving deep into myself, I have been able to find it. Some promises change - while Copper may not be with me, he will always be loved and cared for. We cannot control the direction of life, we can only make our best educated choices.

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I will never stop loving my family. I still need them and acknowledge how fortunate I am to have them to support me. I have simply started learning that I need to be able to support myself

too. I still ask for help, but I trust myself and embrace my own decisions. St. John's was the best decision I ever made for myself. It has given me the space to breathe, grow, and to learn to fully trust myself. I have learned to fully trust the process.

Moving across the country to this Island at the edge of the world has gifted me with new friends, wild weather, and the beginning of a brand new life. Here I have been able to remember who I am outside of others while being reminded of how interconnected we all are.

Watching a winter sunrise just behind campus helped me stay grounded during the difficult parts - it reminded me of the magic of new beginnings and why I moved here in the first place.

Each day, I make peace with my choices - the ones I regrettably made while I was sick, and the ones I have proudly made from empowerment and courage. I also make peace with the things I couldn't carry. I have learned the power in saying 'no' to the things that hold me back and 'yes' to my dreams. As I let go of the burden of expectations (including the self imposed ones) I learn to fall in love with life a little bit more each day. The things that stay when I let go of what hurts me are beautiful - life lessons, a loving partner, and friends who support my vision. My values did not disintegrate because of the sacrifices, rather they have become enmeshed with how I carry myself every day. I show up each day with pride, confidence, and trust.

So, to anyone else standing on the edge of change, terrified of what comes next, I won't be the one to push you. I will say I took the jump - and it was the joyride of a lifetime. It's only natural to be scared, but for me that fear won't hold me back. Yeah it might sting when you hit the water, but I came up with a breath of fresh air and stories to tell.

Often I still feel like I'm falling, but I've learned to love the free fall. I still llong for pieces of my old self at times, especially during transition phases. However for the vast majority of the time, I am loving this ride. More than anything, I'm proud of myself for being tough as nails and brave as can be. I am sure I will have to take many more leaps of faith on this wild ride called life, but I trust myself to assess the risks and catch myself before I fall. Remember this is your life, and only you can change it for you.

With self-empowered courage,

- Julia & Spirit